About a year ago, I saw this girl who radiated beauty, not so much physical beauty, but you can tell she glowed from the inside. She had beautiful caramel, mocha latte skin, a winning smile, and a million curves all over that everyone around her couldn’t help but comment on. I had one conversation with her and she was ridiculously smart. This girl went from explaining how Trump’s presidency would affect the world at-large to gentrification in Harlem to how Cardi B is a living legend. I mean, this girl commanded attention even when she didn’t want it. She listened to “I’m Here” by Cynthia Erivo from the Broadway Musical,” The Color Purple” soundtrack like it was her religion. Her favorite book was “Sula” by Toni Morrison, because while Sula was terrible for what she did to her best friend, the friendship between two black women will always be the most important relationship in a black woman’s life. Ironically, she saw herself in Sula. To this day, she still has post-its with quotes from the book all over her journal.
She spent her nights meditating and mornings thanking God for allowing her to see another day. Every day she hugged herself tighter than anyone in her life ever did. She was lovingly selfish and forgave herself for not being selfish when she should have been. She wanted to be happy and knew that happiness first came from within. Every man she entertained was in her life on her terms and she liked it that way. She enjoyed learning new things about herself, like she is very funny. Like “she could make a career out of this” funny. She laughed without abandon and her laugh was infectious. Everyone who watched her laugh wanted to either join in the humor or just watched her, because like I said her smile was beautiful. I hadn’t seen her for a while, up until a few days ago.
I was so happy to see that beautiful soul again. Happy. Reminding herself to be happy. She had a rough year. Shortly after seeing her last year, she tried to end things with someone she loved dearly. He wouldn’t really let her go until he did. The break-up wasn’t hard. She’s basically psychic, so she knew he was going to end things with her; she was literally just waiting. He was just very abrasive about how he ended things with her. He made her feel less than, like she wasn’t enough. He refused to let her heal when she needed to most. He kept coming back under the pretense of “friends” while flaunting his new relationship. She would have been okay, if she would have left the situation when I met her. To her defense, she thought she made a clean break, but he was turning into this new man before her eyes. She was turning into the man she wanted (but for someone else). She was hard on herself because she made herself smaller, quieter, less present for him. Her gift for that was a soggy ass pillow and his happiness with someone else. At some point, it was almost like he forgot that HE left HER for someone else.
It especially didn’t help when he would be unresponsive and/or block her as he saw fit. He called her when she begged him to stop talking to her, on his new gf’s birthday, on her birthday, and when she got back from her self-care trip to Puerto Rico. At some point she really needed a friend and life started to fold on her. When she needed a friend (him) the most, he told her “Your presence is not conducive to the relationship God has sent me.” He blocked her number. This was the final nail in the coffin that contributed to a bit of depression, a whole lot of anger, and a shitty ass year. She sent numerous emails hoping that he would come around and apologize for his words; he never did. He probably never opened them; she’s sure he deleted the emails once he saw who they were from. THE ASSHOLE EVEN WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT!!! (scroll down for said song) Even now she still protects him from the truth. Remember how I said she’s basically psychic? When he told her about the new relationship, she saw the relationship ending. He was devastated. Then she felt sad for him; now this makes her pretty damn happy. She also had a dream of someone who she figured was this new gf leaving him and somehow the decision has to do with her. She wants nothing to do with this. She desperately wants to move on with life. She is moving on with her life, forgiving herself for loving someone who couldn’t love her the way she needed to be loved. Forgiving herself for allowing the same man to hurt her twice. She is especially forgiving herself for not listening to that inner voice from the beginning, but she is learning from this.
She is loving herself again like she needs to be loved. Being the greatest lover to herself before any man tries to take her place. And all the men in her life are in her life on her terms. She jumps for only herself, her dreams, and aspirations. She loves her friends and family fiercely. She dances when no one is watching and takes major risks. Rejection doesn’t stop her from taking risks. Honestly what’s worse than the man you loved telling you that you’re encroaching on his happiness when he encroached on your entire existence? My girl is good lol.
I saw her in the mirror a few days ago. She is me. I am her. I am beautiful, fierce, loud, intuitive, smart, sexy, magical, complex, etc. I am the girl whose heart was broken by someone she still deeply cares for, but has no desire to make him feel comfortable in my presence. I am the silent force pushing myself to be better than I was the day before. I am my wildest dreams and anyone in my life who tries to dim my light is on the first train out of here. I missed her, me, and I’m not letting go of her again.
P.S. That song is linked here, because I’m petty. Also because we need to support these SoundCloud artists, small business, and everybody black hahaha.
P.P.S. Peace & Love