Ferguson Abroad

So last night something really interesting happening. I was asked to speak at a vigil commemorating Mike Brown’s unjustified death and supporting the protesters in Ferguson. That’s not the interesting thing. I was invited to do so by a group on campus that has very left-wing views and is predominantly made up of white men. The interesting part is that for a few weeks prior many of these same people acted as if I didn’t exist and my words did not matter. Suddenly my words mattered. They astonishingly had depth because I was able to speak on a subject that you presumed I know about. Here is what solidified my feelings about speaking. Before we started, the person who presented me asked me my name about three times so that he would remember it (we’ve been introduced about three or four other times). After me telling him my name three times, he introduced me wrongly. He gave me an entirely new name! He of course corrected himself with some help from others. However I couldn’t help but question my significance there. Here I was, giving the Black American perspective, and you couldn’t help to remember my name. Oh wait! You never knew my name. I was more of a figure piece. That’s just the guy who introduced me. The guy who asked me to speak is an actual prick.

The guy who asked me is extremely rude. He is the type of guy who studies the revolutionaries and adopts their principles, but he does not know when to stop talking and has a problem interrupting people. He is a typical man who can’t help but hear himself speak. He can’t handle that I’m a little deeper than I appear to be. When I meet certain types of people, I don’t reveal to them the true level of my intelligence. I know that I am smart and have always been, but I don’t feel the need to parade it in people’s faces. Besides you can’t discuss your love for Bell Hooks and respectability politics in Hip Hop with everyone. Back to this guy. Everyone around him does what he says and he treats people as if he has the highest level of intellect. I’m not the one. One day he interrupted me too many times while I was speaking so I had to put dat azz on lock and be out. You feel me? It’s safe to say I’m not a huge fan of these people.

The vigil was commemorative. I spoke about how Ferguson isn’t an isolated issue and I also made it clear that these privileged, posh white people have no fucking idea what is really going on. I appreciated them asking me. Even with all my politics surrounding this group, I would have preferred to hear my voice discuss the issue over theirs. However I do question my significance in being there. I guess I have to resolve it within myself.

Isn’t this the issue with a lot of blacks in predominantly white areas? We always have to reason and resolve our presence in race-related issues. Hmm I guess it’s some food for thought.

Do You Dine Below?

Can we be candid for a minute? I am a huge fan of oral sex, giving and receiving. However since my time here in London, I have had two issues with oral sex. 1) The men are terrible at giving cunnilingus or 2) They are against giving head. These two things are both frustrating, sad, and most of all disappointing. I was with this one guy and he went down on me after I had basically swallowed his disappointing in size penis in whole and I knew that he was down there, but it was just like wtf is going on. I just looked at him with that “Please stop, you’re scaring me dry” look. He stopped, but I couldn’t help but to wonder why was he so bad. Then there is the other instance where the guy made it very clear in the beginning of the sexual conversation that he would not perform oral sex. Can you imagine how long that conversation lasted? Two men is definitely not an adequate sample, so I have also asked around to other guys that I have encountered here in London. This isn’t to say that all men in this part of the world do not give head, but a good portion of them don’t. I, however, have a greater issue.

Whenever a man and woman decide to engage in sexual matters, it is almost always implied that the woman will perform fellatio on the man. If she does not give him a blowjob, then she is a prude, does not enjoy sex, will never be able to please a man, etc, etc. As a woman who enjoys my carpet being munched, I am offended by men who expect me to use my dick-sucking skills on them, but they will not do the same to me. As a feminist, I call sexuality inequality. And as both, I’m entirely pissed off that men get to be mediocre at sex while woman have to know and do all of the tricks. It’s like men get to be “Average Joe” while women have to be Lisa Ann. This actually pisses me off to the highest level. I think that I deserve to be sexually satisfied. If that includes you eating me out and using your tongue as the maestro, then dammit! hop to it!

Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I’m too sexually liberated. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I don’t have the ideal body type. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe…… What I do know is that I prefer reciprocity in all aspects of my life, including sex. I also have a new sexual rule. If a man has not explicitly stated that he will eat me out or done it, then I will not suck him and/or he will not penetrate me. That’s just how life is going to go from now on.

This just exemplifies how I feel about the issue

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So I Met This Guy……..

So I met this guy right? No this isn’t a love story; it’s a life lesson. He’s a black guy in the military from Chicago and he was stationed in Germany. He’s actually a Nigerian man who gave up his Nigerian citizenship, not completely sure how this works. OH YEAH! and he’s 43 years old. So I am sitting down, eating dinner alone, because das how I do!!!,nah lol I just happened to be alone that day. He comes to the table where I am sitting and asks to join me. I’m a nice person and alone, so I say yes. He introduces himself as “Tobi” and I let him know that I am “[name redacted]”.  As soon as he sits down, he starts talking and we begin to get to know each other. I was glad to have met someone with my skin tone to talk to about being here. I was extremely homesick, so just talking to someone was enough for me. In retrospect, he may have taken this as me flirting. I was happy to just be able to talk to someone.

As our conversation progressed, I learned a few things about him. He’s homophobic, more than he knows or acknowledges that he is. I learned that he likes women for what they can offer him (sex), not completely for who they are. I learned these two things through one story. In order to save time, let’s say a gay guy thought he was gay and was trying to get with him while he was trying to get with a plus-sized woman (for the sake of terminology) he found attractive. After a confusion of attraction, Tobi had to “f$%! the [expletive] out of this woman to prove his manhood”. His words not mine. Can’t you just taste the homophobia and misogynoir? This conversation was uncomfortable to me for a few reasons. I don’t like having conversations with men who clearly want to have sex with me about other women. It reveals more than I need to know about the person. This story showed his hidden homophobia. He doesn’t believe two men together is “natural”, but thinks two women together is fine and great to watch. His words, not mine. Lastly he was cursing too much and far too aggressive for a first-time conversation. I was suddenly on guard. Tobi was SUPER HANDSY- this guy would not stop touching me after I told him to please stop. I really do not like people touching me. He really, and I mean really loves my body. This was the part he was most vocal about. I, of course, learned all the other necessary information such as where he is from, what he is doing here, etc. He walked me to my dorm while telling me all the things he liked about me, but we barely knew each other. I am always skeptical of people who want to instantly get to know me, when I do not feel the same about them. That’s just me. I live to be a skeptic.

We later exchanged numbers and corresponded for a few days. Well more like he shared his desire to have sex with me. Now I’m not one of these easy girls out here. If you want me, I have to want you back. Not only that, but at no point in our initial conversation did I ever say that I was interested in a relationship beyond friendship. In retrospect, I should have made that clear from the beginning, but I should not have to. I understand the hook-up culture is different here, but I thought he was my brotha *throws up the black power fist*. When we met up again for drinks, I told him I did not want to have sex with him and I wanted to be just friends. He then told me that he wanted to be more than friends and that would not work for him. Essentially he tried to talk me down into having sex with him. When that did not work, he attempted to make me feel bad for turning down the sex. And then when I thought things could not get worse, he made it clear that he was “putting me in my place”.

I have many questions surrounding that last bit, however I am no one’s child except my parents, so I thanked him and walked out.

For the next three days, he texted me messages that demanded answers and I did not respond to one. I woke up to messages and received them before I went to bed. For the next few days I avoided social occasions for fear that I might see him. When he finally stopped trying to contact me, I was relieved but it did not make my time adjusting here any better. I feel like this incident stunted my growth in becoming comfortable here. I haven’t seen him since, but the idea that I could see him does make me a little sick. I actually haven’t seen him since my first week here. It’s like he doesn’t exist.

That Love Thing

Lately I’ve been thinking about love. That feeling you get when everything seems at peace and you’re happy with someone. I’ve never have had the feeling. If I did have it, I don’t remember what it’s like. I really just want to love and care for someone. The way my life is set-up right now I know that I’m not ready or emotionally stable enough to let someone in. I am never in one place for more than 3-4 months at a time and I am not fully confident in myself, emotionally. I don’t think I could handle someone loving me right now. My parents are basically getting a divorce and it hurts. It sucks to watch your first love, your father, disrespect your mother and just give up and be self righteous. It’s like falling out of love with your first love. It sucks even more to watch your mother, your best friend, hurt and know that you can’t really help.

As much as I want love, I am scared of it. I am scared of falling in love with the wrong person. I am scared of falling in love and finding out the man you love does not really know you and never really liked you for you. He fell in love with an idea of you.

Love always looked like a safety net to me. After the fighting and turmoil and fucked up life shit, you always had love. Lately it’s been looking like the safety net is broken.

The Issue of the Snow Bunny

The “beef” and subsequent apology between Iggy and Snoop Dogg is pretty much the black woman’s issue with white women and black men. White women get to say whatever the the fuck they want to say. While black women are taught from children to stay in our place, never disrupt the black man, always make him feel like a man. Simultaneously black men continue to shit on black women. Miss me with the #notallmen bullshit. In rap songs, we are nothing more than bitches, hoes, and sexual prop pieces. Once we birth your children and things aren’t going your way, we are the crazy baby-mama’s. After we say no to your weak ass advance, I’m a bitch who wasn’t even that cute anyway. But let a white woman cry wolf, a black man steps in and saves the day. It’s like suddenly a white woman is an actual woman and the black woman is a thing. Because that what it really comes down to. This is why the “beef” is so odd and interesting. Granted this is an old story. I just decided to revisit.

Let me make this clear. Iggy and Snoop are basically pees in the same pod. Iggy is an Australian rapper illegally using a Southern accent to rap. She uses this “white-washed” rap and her lovely fake ass to make money. Her offense is that she constantly uses black women in her videos as props. Iggy is also guilty of not addressing the hip-hop culture, advocating the usage of the n-word for non-blacks, and overall just being a bad sport in the game of hip hop. I’ve never really been a fan of Snoop Dogg/Lion/ etc, because I never found it amusing how he disrespected black women. We have always been nothing but bitches, hoes, sluts, and sexual objects. Even when the entire world knew he was married, he continued to parade around with women giving no fucks about his wife raising his children. Any time a man can publicly dishonor the “love of his life” on a consistent basis that raises red flags for me everywhere.

When Snoop came at Iggy, it wasn’t anything different from his track record. Like sweetie, you don’t get a pass because you’re white. You’re just like the rest of us. As a black woman, there was no reason to take any side. Iggy wants to be me, so she hijacked it. Snoop was never down for me. My blackness nor my womanness was pulled in either direction. Here is what proved what black women have been saying all along. When T.I. called Snoop, Snoop decided to publicly apologize to Iggy. Wait! What about the countless black women you have made money off and disrespected over the course of your career? Do we not get an apology? Why didn’t T.I. have Iggy apologize to Azealia Banks? We all know Azealia has a sketchy history, but that does not mean she can’t get a chance to. What about when Floyd was going in on his ex all over social media? Literally destroying all avenues of privacy. The point is that black women have never received an apology, but white women do.

I call it protecting the snow bunny. A snow bunny is the not so rare breed of white girl who likes black men. She usually ends up with a black man who is one of those guys who downplay other black women to make her feel good. Example ” Baby thank you for cooking me dinner. You can’t get shit from black bitches without hearing they mouth”. Her only perception of black women is based on stereotypes and her man’s words. The snow bunny also talks too damn much. She suffers from word vomit and she loves to fall back on the phrase “That’s why black men don’t like you”. I’m not saying Iggy has done or said these things. However since she is a white girl in a “black industry” dating a black basketball player, she’s definitely a snow bunny. T. I. is certainly protecting her. A black male rapper has never apologized to the black women they have disrespected. So Snoop apologizing is kind of fucked up and a reminder. It’s a reminder that some of y’all black men never really cared.