So I met this guy right? No this isn’t a love story; it’s a life lesson. He’s a black guy in the military from Chicago and he was stationed in Germany. He’s actually a Nigerian man who gave up his Nigerian citizenship, not completely sure how this works. OH YEAH! and he’s 43 years old. So I am sitting down, eating dinner alone, because das how I do!!!,nah lol I just happened to be alone that day. He comes to the table where I am sitting and asks to join me. I’m a nice person and alone, so I say yes. He introduces himself as “Tobi” and I let him know that I am “[name redacted]”. As soon as he sits down, he starts talking and we begin to get to know each other. I was glad to have met someone with my skin tone to talk to about being here. I was extremely homesick, so just talking to someone was enough for me. In retrospect, he may have taken this as me flirting. I was happy to just be able to talk to someone.
As our conversation progressed, I learned a few things about him. He’s homophobic, more than he knows or acknowledges that he is. I learned that he likes women for what they can offer him (sex), not completely for who they are. I learned these two things through one story. In order to save time, let’s say a gay guy thought he was gay and was trying to get with him while he was trying to get with a plus-sized woman (for the sake of terminology) he found attractive. After a confusion of attraction, Tobi had to “f$%! the [expletive] out of this woman to prove his manhood”. His words not mine. Can’t you just taste the homophobia and misogynoir? This conversation was uncomfortable to me for a few reasons. I don’t like having conversations with men who clearly want to have sex with me about other women. It reveals more than I need to know about the person. This story showed his hidden homophobia. He doesn’t believe two men together is “natural”, but thinks two women together is fine and great to watch. His words, not mine. Lastly he was cursing too much and far too aggressive for a first-time conversation. I was suddenly on guard. Tobi was SUPER HANDSY- this guy would not stop touching me after I told him to please stop. I really do not like people touching me. He really, and I mean really loves my body. This was the part he was most vocal about. I, of course, learned all the other necessary information such as where he is from, what he is doing here, etc. He walked me to my dorm while telling me all the things he liked about me, but we barely knew each other. I am always skeptical of people who want to instantly get to know me, when I do not feel the same about them. That’s just me. I live to be a skeptic.
We later exchanged numbers and corresponded for a few days. Well more like he shared his desire to have sex with me. Now I’m not one of these easy girls out here. If you want me, I have to want you back. Not only that, but at no point in our initial conversation did I ever say that I was interested in a relationship beyond friendship. In retrospect, I should have made that clear from the beginning, but I should not have to. I understand the hook-up culture is different here, but I thought he was my brotha *throws up the black power fist*. When we met up again for drinks, I told him I did not want to have sex with him and I wanted to be just friends. He then told me that he wanted to be more than friends and that would not work for him. Essentially he tried to talk me down into having sex with him. When that did not work, he attempted to make me feel bad for turning down the sex. And then when I thought things could not get worse, he made it clear that he was “putting me in my place”.
I have many questions surrounding that last bit, however I am no one’s child except my parents, so I thanked him and walked out.
For the next three days, he texted me messages that demanded answers and I did not respond to one. I woke up to messages and received them before I went to bed. For the next few days I avoided social occasions for fear that I might see him. When he finally stopped trying to contact me, I was relieved but it did not make my time adjusting here any better. I feel like this incident stunted my growth in becoming comfortable here. I haven’t seen him since, but the idea that I could see him does make me a little sick. I actually haven’t seen him since my first week here. It’s like he doesn’t exist.