Do you know what sucks? Do you know what really sucks? Taking care of everyone and listening to everyone else’s problems, but feeling alone and stuck when you need someone. I’ve been feeling very alone since I’ve returned from London. Before I returned, I was excited to see my friends, old flings, my family, etc. I was excited to share my time abroad, make new memories, and just laugh with the people I cared about the most. But lately everything just feels off. I feel off. I feel like I don’t belong. Places where I used to fit. I don’t anymore.
Anytime I try to talk to people about how I feel, it just feels like no one really cares to listen. Everyone wants to give me solutions, but no one wants to let me vent. Usually I don’t share my feelings or complain too much about how I feel. So maybe it’s my fault that I don’t have anyone to talk. Maybe I am the one who has changed. I even tried the age-old trick of going back to ex’s. I went back to Ricardo, or at least I tried. When I was abroad, we would chat every now and then. I thought things were good. I thought I could come back and we could just enjoy each other. However every time I spoke to him, I felt like a burden. It didn’t feel fun. Speaking to Ricardo felt like speaking to someone who did not want to speak to you. It sucks. I feel like no one cares. The only time I feel something/a feeling is after sitting alone for a few hours or having sex with the only person who makes me feel wanted. My time with that person is limited.
What I am saying is that I am scared and vulnerable. I am desperately trying to maintain my pride, but this is when I do something stupid. This is when I sleep with someone who doesn’t care about me. Even more I’m scared that I gave the wrong people my time, not just sexually, but just in general. I’m just trying to find my “happy place” again without needing people, but this time I don’t think I can find it on my own again.
yes, a Drake reference is always necessary