I wonder if guys ever consider that they may have missed out on a good woman because of their reputation.
Lately I’ve been gracefully taking some serious dating Ls. It’s like there is always an obstacle with every guy that I can really see myself with. He’s always right in my grasp and then he’s gone. For example, the guy who just left me hanging, my ex is now dating a white girl (the ultimate betrayal), and this guy that I’ve had a huge crush on slept with a friend of mine.
This last guy is why I’m here writing my emotions. So I recently was at a party with a group of friends. While there, this guy, let’s call him Deon, shows up. I did not expect Deon to be there at all. I’ve been fawning over Deon via Instagram for awhile now. I genuinely like him. Besides being gorgeous, he’s smart, has a pretty good personality, has similar political beliefs that I do, and he’s just a pretty cool guy. When I saw him at this party, I was a little #tooturnt, but I was convincing myself to talk to him. At the end of the party, I met up with my friends who happened to be talking to his friends. Great set-up huh? I thought so too. I’m talking to my friends who is two years younger than I am and I’m telling her how I think he’s beautiful and the love of my life. Suddenly it gets very awkward. So I ask her “Did you two have a thing?”. She said “not really.” I then asked her if she fucked him and she basically told me she did. While that was happening one of my very good friends was attempting to plot to get me and Deon to talk to each other. As she made her way back to me, I was receiving/processing that the “perfect man” for me was had slept with my friend when she was a freshman in college and a known slut. I didn’t want him anymore, but not for the most obvious reasons.
I don’t really deal with guys who have slept with my friends, especially the ones I think are extremely loose. That’s a general rule that I have. Deon was/is not actively pursuing me, therefore there is no real reason to try. I couldn’t really talk to him, because my self-esteem was being tested. I can’t compete with my friend. She’s younger, already had him, has a better body than I do, gets more guys, etc. I can’t compete with that. It took me 21 years to be this person I am now, and she already has a two year advantage on me. She kept apologizing, but I didn’t want her apology. To be completely honest, I don’t think she deserved to be with such a great man. He’s already well-accomplished and will continue to grow. He’s the kind of guy I wouldn’t mind further getting to know on a deeper level with the exception of sex. All she wanted to do was fuck him. I guess because I’m older I know that you will need more than sex. I don’t know what he wants, but I know what I bring to the table. At this point in my life, I definitely bring more than she does. Yes I know. This is glaring jealousy and I won’t even debate you on it.
I actually had the opportunity to talk to him and I was so peeved by the news that I could not even talk to him. I knew that whatever came out would be word vomit. Lately I’ve been getting curved a lot. I would love to tell you that I am steered away from these guys, because they won’t be good to me. But I think it’s all a croc of shit. What’s most frustrating is that I know that I am beautiful and smart with a bright future and I feel like I keep getting the short end of the stick.
So in a few days, it will be Valentine’s Day. It’s almost Valentine’s Day and I am still single. This didn’t bother me until I looked on this guy’s FB page. This guy curved the entire shit out of me, like just cut off communication. Nothing. I have a major issue when boys do not properly end things. A simple “I don’t think this is going to work” text is just fine. I just don’t think it is fair to just end things like that. I was fine until 10 minutes ago. On his page is a picture of a pair of Jordan’s with the caption “Valentine’s Day gift for my valentine”. Well excuse the entire fuck out of me. I would have gladly stepped aside so that you can explore other people. I do not have a problem with that. In fact, I encourage it. Don’t waste your time with me. BUT don’t play me. I also think it’s also super immature. To be honest, this guy has mommy issues, a son, and a crazy baby-mother. Do I really want that in my life? It just sucks immensely that someone with that many issues does not even want me. I am pretty much perfect with the exception of being fat and I don’t even think that’s a big issue (see what I did there? lol) anymore. I am smart, pretty (not too pretty to where I am intimidating, but pretty enough that you wouldn’t mind walking in the street with me), strong-willed (maybe to my detriment), honest (possibly also to my detriment), no children (why does this even matter?), no crazy ex-boyfriends (limited relationship baggage), and a life plan. I also come from a good family. Being with me will quickly make you look ten times better.
Maybe I’m going about this all wrong. I’ve always said that I wanted to build an empire and bring honor to my family name. I can’t do that with a boy who can’t even let a woman down properly, especially a boy with baggage and a child. However that shit burns. I just want to experience Valentine’s Day, one day, with a man that I like and who appreciates me. I don’t want to compromise who I am. If I am going to change, I will change to become a better version of myself.
I wasn’t going to post anything else this week, but then I saw this poem. It completely explains how I’ve been feeling lately. This poem is everything that I’ve been trying to articulate.