I’ve been trying to write this post for weeks, but some recent experiences have allowed it to come full circle.
It feels like I’m entering a new phase in my life, apparently that’s what happens when you grow up. With that being said, this new phase has sort of hit me out of nowhere. Growing up, I was the good girl. I did my homework, went to church, and did what my parents told me to. Don’t be confused though. I definitely got in trouble often for doing stupid shit, but that part of me was kept at home or in small circles. I presented this image to everyone around me that I was a “good girl”. This image was fine until I realized that I’m not this “good girl”. I wasn’t presenting an honest image about myself to myself or most of the people around me. Unfortunately I didn’t have this epiphany until my second year of college. That was my first phase. Coming into my own was not difficult, being comfortable with myself enough to be with someone else was not. That took me a little over a year. As you can see from “Hoe Phase” I was able to overcome that. However not in a way that was best for me.
I have had a lot of fun these past few months being with different guys. I learned so much about myself, what I want, what I can do, what I’m, comfortable with, etc. That was the point of my hoe phase: to learn. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not ending my “Hoe Phase”; I’m adjusting it. I feel it’s time for something more. So I’ve had a few “lovers” , but I don’t want to just sleep around anymore. I prefer to consistently have sex with one person, a friend, who I actually want to be around. It’s basically a “friends with benefits” situation. From The List, you can see that I didn’t enjoy being around some of those guys unless it was for sex.
So I adopted a new approach. I have decided to get to know a guy before I have sex with him. DUH! Before I was just trying to have sex all the time like a cat in heat. Now I want to make your toes curl, but I also want to know your favorite rapper. Relationships are cool, but I’m just not looking for one right now. My life is a clusterfuck full of responsibilities, so I can’t really be involved in emotional relationships. I can barely control my own emotions. Maybe I’m going about this all wrong, but I know that I want someone to serve as a “distraction” from my crazy life. We shall see.