The thing about sex is that it’s only a temporary fix for your problems, a temporary release. After the adrenaline wears off and you go back home, you feel as empty as you did when you got there. Now for me, I am sort of incapable of having meaningful relationships because I get bored quickly and/or I find things to dislike. Unfortunately I have a fantasy relationship in which I which I will only get into a relationship if it feels right. I have to feel right and good and beautiful with you. If I don’t feel that, I can’t be with you. So I use sex as my release. Though a temporary fix, it gets the job done. It makes me feel something. Sometimes I walk around my house, applying to jobs, and after awhile I feel so drained and tired that I feel nothing. I don’t feel happiness or sadness or excitement or anxiety. I kind of want to ball up and hide. Wait: Am I depressed? Then I meet someone and decide to have sex with them. There is of course a vetting process of sorts. I don’t have meaningless sex with no sexual rewards. Every sexual encounter I have ever had has been great. However I fear that I am using sex and dates to compensate for the other things in my life that are not going my way. Ugh! I hate writing because I always self-diagnose. In “Grace and Frankie” there is a scene where Frankie convinces Grace to vlog because it will help her hear what she needs to hear, as told by herself. This is what’s happening here. I think I will stop when I finally start working. As of now, there is nothing else consuming my time. I need a distraction from my poor job progress. This is it.
I officially graduated from undergrad about two weeks ago (YAY ME!). After graduation I packed up my room and moved back home with my parents and into the room I share with my 17-year old sister. I instantly restarted my job-hunting process. See I was looking for jobs early this year, but I ended up having to take 23 credits in order to graduate in May, 8 of which I added after Spring Break. So I had to halt my job searching and focus on graduating. Now that I have graduated, I have been tirelessly looking for a job. I literally wake up, look for jobs, send out countless emails, and wait for a call or an email from someone. Coming from a small, liberal arts college, they have been damn near useless.
It’s super frustrating to work extremely hard for a million-dollar piece of paper with nothing to prove for it. I understand that I should be enjoying my success, but I want a job. I want to work. I want money! It’s almost depressing. Sometimes I don’t even open my laptop, because it gives me anxiety. I have heard mostly from staffing agencies in New York who have promised that they will work extremely hard for me to find something for me, but all I hear is bullshit. I haven’t been on one interview since meeting them. Some days I go on four or five interviews a day, just meeting with as much people as possible. It’s starting to feel futile. My mother feels that I should relax and take a break. I want to; I really do. BUT (and there is a big but) I can’t do what I want to do, because my parents can’t really afford me right now. I really enjoy my independence and buying things. I can’t really do that until I start working. I know that something will come through, but it’s just taking longer than I would like.
I have had job offers, but they are nowhere near my career interests. That’s another frustrating part of searching for a job. You have to make sure you are not accepting a job, just for the money. Your first job helps determine your career trajectory, at least for me it does. At this point, I am just exploiting every resource I have (maybe I’ll write a post on that). Now pray for me as I apply to more jobs.