What Is Happening?

Hey there,

If you care, you’re probably where the heck I have been. Well, I think the skeptic (that’s me) is experiencing her first heartbreak. For Valentine’s Day, I wrote about this guy I’ve been dating who truly opened me up to the notion of falling in love/loving someone other than my familial relationships. If you catch me with enough alcohol in my system, I might even confess that I love him. BUT I strongly believe that you have to choose to fall in love with someone. For me especially, I hold my feelings and emotions very dear to me. So if I choose to let you in my life, into the inner sanctum of daily thoughts, then you are pretty damn special. So for a few weeks, I battled with the decision to love someone I’m not even really in a relationship with. While I struggled with the decision, my feelings for him continued to grow. I wrote the Valentine’s Day post about a week before I posted it.

Around the same time, I learned that his ex-girlfriend, more like ex-side bitch, was moving into the vacant room in his apartment. Initially I did not care that a woman was moving into his apartment (I’m way more evolved than that). However this young lady is very different. She is what he believes to be his soulmate. They only broke up because she walked away from him. How do you compete with that? I didn’t even know they were still communicating. No, he has no obligation to tell me who he is communicating with, but I trusted him. I trusted him to, at the very least, let me know they were communicating. That knowledge alone would have helped me make better decisions concerning him. We once had a really big argument and he got really upset with me, because he felt like I was not taking what we were building seriously. He was literally yelling at me on the phone, because he was so mad that I didn’t think he cared about me. Maybe I’m beyond my boundaries here, but if you are truly concerned with how serious I take our budding relationship, then maybe I should have been made aware that you were still communicating with ex. So much so that she feels comfortable enough looking to you during her time of need. It’s called reassurance. When I told him how I felt about the situation, his words and actions communicated that my feelings were invalid. I don’t trust her. I don’t trust him with her. Most importantly, I don’t trust the situation. Since speaking to him about her, I feel like I have been tip-toeing around him.

Question: How would you feel if your significant other’s ex-girlfriend or boyfriend moved into his/her apartment? I honestly would love to hear your thoughts.

I have barely seen or spoken to him in almost three weeks. He hasn’t been returning my calls or text messages. The one time he did answer the phone, the call abruptly lasted 18 seconds with a broken promise of a callback. I feel like my chance at something has been snatched away from me. Let me be perfectly clear: this situation is not the reason for the demise of our relationship. This situation stressed and highlighted the instability of the relationship. Literally as I type, I’m crying. I fell for that boy so hard that the idea of him with anyone else made me jealous. I was jealous of anyone who got to experience him before I did. How could you not fall for someone who asks about your day, genuinely cares to hear about it, and constantly makes you feel beautiful? This guy broke down my walls to truly know me and now I feel open. I thought I meant more to him and I would like to think that I do. At the same time, maybe I’m too much. Maybe loving me is not what he needs in his life. Maybe his ex moving in gave him the perfect opportunity to push me away. I feel like an idiot checking my phone any time I am away from it to see if he called or texted. Whenever he does contact me, I know that I have to end things. I can’t be so deeply involved with someone who does not understand the concept of emotional responsibility. Aside from him ignoring me, I know that in order for me to move forward with him in a good mind, I need more from him and the relationship. This is not enough, no matter how good he kisses me.

cue all of the sad girl music – Jhene Aiko, Beyonce, Stone Cold by Demi Lovato (ON REPEAT!) lol

Honestly, this situation is the saddest thing going on in my life. Everything else is looking up.

UPDATE: Fuck that nigga.

Revisiting Love

There is a collective of poets called Strivers Row. During my early years of college, I watched their poems endlessly. When boredom and procrastination overtook me, the Strivers Row YouTube channel ended the boredom and furthered the procrastination. The work by the artists always pulled my attention and yanked my heart strings. I could take this entire post describing how much I enjoyed their work, but today we’re going to talk about one poem – “Love Poem” by Carvens Lissaint. I watched this poem so much, that when I finally saw Carvens perform this piece I knew all the words (yes, it was that real).

Fast forward to about a week ago, I started watching all of the Strivers Row stuff again. During the in-between time, I kept up with their work but never went back to “Love Poem”. My only reason for not doing so was that I was staying away from love. My focus was school and accomplishing my other goals. Dating was a distant thought and when I did date, I never took these men seriously.

Back to the poem

When I watched the poem and listened, really listened, tears began to fall from my eyes. This is super significant. It’s a signal that I am clearly in a new emotional stage of my life. What’s the change? I’ve changed. I also started dating someone that I feel like I can love. As a brokenhearted realest, I did not think I could feel child-like emotions for anyone again. More importantly, I didn’t think someone would enter my life who I would consider loving. Continue reading