Letter to my (kind of) ex

Dear Josh,

It’s been nearly 3 weeks since I imploded on you via text and you disappeared. I’m going to be super transparent with you here and say that it’s been rough emotionally. I didn’t even get a call on my birthday which really sucked because we always talked about birthdays and its importance since you’re heavily into zodiac shit. I keep wondering where I went wrong in all of this. I even used legal reasoning. “Would a reasonable have responded the same way?” The answer is “yes”, every single fucking time. Let’s consider the circumstances. At the point of implosion, we had been dating for roughly six months. A good portion of the time I was ready to walk away, but you always reassured me to stick around. I literally have break-up letters prepared to give to send to you from October, November, and December, well the beginning of December. December was a really good month for us…..until you told me about your ex/self-perceived soulmate. I really felt like it was time for me to step away. We spoke. In fact, we had a really big argument over this and once again you reassured me that the “possibility of the thing” would never go away. If you actually watched “Love Jones” with me, then you would have understood this better. December and January were great. We spent a lot of time together. You really worked on opening me up and learning me.

So your disappearance in February on the basis of “work” deeply worried me. Aside from worry, I was emotionally frazzled. Here I am spending all this time with someone who constantly tells me that we are building something and you disappear. It didn’t help that around the same time I knew that your ex/self-perceived soulmate/ actually ex-side bitch was moving into the vacant room in your apartment. Couple your disappearance with my very real and reasonable concern that I was losing you, I kind got a bit crazy. The question becomes “Did I ever have you?” Nonetheless, my crazy was starting to show. All the time and work that I put into us was about to be stripped from me by the old bitch. I hate to call her a bitch, but she’s nameless, faceless, and the one woman who caused me to be insecure about what we had. What really sucked is that when I told you how I felt about the situation, you completely disregarded my feelings. All of my fears about this arrangement were coming true. I knew that whatever we had was going to take a backseat to her. Your disregard of my feelings proved that to be true. I know that you only do what you want. So while your reasoning was that you felt obliged to help her in her time of need, you wanted to do it for your selfish interests. If you cared about me and what we had, like really cared, you would have pointed her in the direction where she could get help. Since that conversation, I barely heard from you.

You claimed to be “busy”. I’m not stupid. Sure you’re busy, but we make time for the things and people we want to. I felt like everything you used to talk to me about, you talked to her about. I was a placeholder for who you really wanted, her. She is your soulmate and I can’t compete with that. I can’t feel comfortable in any relationship if it lacks trust. I tried, I really tried to be the cool chick, but every unanswered text message and ignored phone call tickled my fears. When I overheard you refer to me as one of your bitches and then completely ignored my every attempt to contact you, my crazy said “Hey bitch, you can’t control me forever”. Weeks of neglected emotions started to surface from all the places I hid them. The word themselves didn’t hurt, but the subsequent actions are what hurt me the most. I thought you were someone who gave a shit about me and your actions showed me those six months meant nothing.

However I don’t want those six months back. For six months, I had my first adult relationship-adjacent experience with someone who really showed me what it’s like to be with someone who cares about your well-being. I never felt like I had to pretend with you. I felt free to be myself. If we were actually together, our love would have been amazing. Maybe that’s what scared you, I know it scared the shit out of me. I feel like I gave you just enough without feeling like you robbed me of my goods, but I always thought we were friends first. This isn’t how you treat your friends. Looking back maybe I was compromising my emotions, leaving myself vulnerable to be hurt, because while I knew we would never be in a relationship, I held onto the possibility which lead to constant hoping. With all that being said, I do wish things would have ended amicably between us. It’s really funny. I don’t miss your sex. I didn’t come around because of your sex. I came around because I liked you, Joshua A, the person. I enjoyed talking to you. You won’t call me anymore because you thought of me. Clearly I don’t do well with lack of closure, but I can’t keep crying over you. My tears won’t bring the closure I need. You are a coward and I wish I would have paid more attention to that.


You know who this is


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