I was raised in a very Christian home. I don’t remember not being in a church or discussing the Bible in some capacity. In the mornings, my father prays for the family. Unfortunately this practice has become more of a morning drill, since we’re still half sleep from our morning nap. Typically I stay awake for the prayer out of respect and fall back asleep. However one morning I heard my father pray that I lose weight, as if my weight was an inconvenience to his life. The first time I heard him say it, I ignored it and didn’t respond. The second time he added the request in his prayer I realized that this had become a part of his daily list of prayer requests. I did tell him to stop, but the emotional damage had already been done. You can’t pray the fat away. I don’t think it works that way. But you can use your faith to attempt to manipulate the actions of others – this is what my father did. I’m 23 years old. There are multiple things occurring in my life that I could genuinely use some divine help with. Let’s list them:
- I recently went through an emotionally rough, sort of breakup
- I could use a new job
- Niggas try me – everyday
- My twist out refuses to come out perfectly
- The security guard in my office building reminds me of every gross man I’ve ever encountered
I love my father; I really do. Adding my weight to his daily prayer request really made me question him. This isn’t about me being fat. This is about how my relationship with my father has affected my approach to relationships. They say that a girl’s father is her first love. I can tell you right now I have fallen out of love with my father more times than I will ever admit. From the way he put his students before his children to the way he puts his mother over his wife. I always questioned what were my father’s priorities. I wonder if the one of the main reasons I am adverse to love is because I have seen that men have a poor way of showing it. My father is literally the nicest person you will ever meet, but behind closed doors he is known to be vindictive and dismissing. No, I am not bashing my father, but I am being honest. He is a great provider and father, but when I needed to learn how a man should treat a woman I was not given the best example. If I am ever to meet someone that I would want to marry or even take seriously, I would not introduce him to my father, I would introduce him to my brother first. I honestly do not feel like my father would do the necessary work to determine if the man is “good enough” for me. My father would spend more time trying to prove that he is a good, instead of if this guy is good for me.
As I am dating, I am very cautious of men who share the same character traits with my father. I love my father, but I would not want to date men who are like my father. Witnessing a loveless marriage really caused me to be apprehensive to idea of being vulnerable with someone. It has caused me to be guarded when I approach relationships. I love my dad, but I would hate to be with someone for 20 years of my life and be unhappy. I used to take sides when my parents argued, but I’ve learned that my parent’s relationship is not my business. However I would be a fool to say that seeing them attack each other did not cause me to question the notion of marriage itself. How can you say you love someone when their tears don’t phase you?
Moving forward, I’m working on how I approach relationships and dating. I would love to meet someone who makes me ridiculously happy and gives a shit about me, but I also want to make sure that I am ready for that person as well. I would hate to miss out on a great person, because I have not healed or reconciled my own issues.