Finally Writing My Way Out

About a year and a half ago, I met someone who changed my entire perspective on relationships. I would dare say that at some point I fell in love with him. Just when I fell in love with him, he betrayed my trust. When he came back to me (as I expected), he was half the man I fell for. The trauma of the situation he was in changed him. He didn’t trust me anymore and made me feel like I wasn’t enough. See, before that, I was half the person I am now and he made me feel safe, beautiful, sexy…… I’d never felt sexy before him. Sexual? Yes. But sexy was something entirely different. It took some time for me to realize that he was gone, but I didn’t want to let him go. Along the way, sex confused what I really had for him.

About a year and a half ago, I was a barely employed, recent college graduate with the billion dollar loans to prove it. I had just lost my best friend of 6+ years and I was so unhappy. He was funny, interesting, and physically just my type (with the dick to match). I swear those first few times we had sex were almost magical.

About three months into our time together, I knew that I should have cut it off, but I enjoyed having someone who made me want to give a shit about them. I actually planned to end things multiple times and didn’t. He always said or did exactly what I needed him to say or do. That time period where he betrayed my trust and we weren’t talking was one of the most trans-formative periods of my short life. You would think that I would get my closure and leave, but I felt like I needed to prove something. Or maybe it was my ego. I stuck around, because I liked him in my life more than I didn’t. As crazy as this sounds, I didn’t want to see him happy with anyone else. During that rough patch, I learned to love myself in ways I didn’t know possible. I handled some health issues that I had going on, I was losing weight, my skin was clearing up, I got a really good job that was exactly what I needed. When I began to love myself more, everything started to come together for me. I was seeing clearly. My relationship with my friends drastically improved, because they were the people there for me. They let me cry and bitch for hours and then handed me my favorite bottle of wine. Through all of this, I naively yearned for his touch.

We came back to each other as different people trying to have the same relationship. At least I was. I was quickly learning that I would never be the #1 woman in his life. Our time with each other ended and we (I) were trying to stick together. Through this, I was never his “girlfriend”, but I thought I was given VIP access to the parts of himself that he didn’t share with anyone else. I was wrong. I also learned exactly what I want in a man, partner, and a relationship. What we had looked nothing like my desired relationship, except our friendship.

From the time we got back “together” to around Christmas, things were very rocky. I made a lot of realizations about myself. I even asked him multiple times to let me go if he didn’t want anything further with me. He didn’t let me go. He had zero intentions of more. I began building the wall back up between us. January was a wonderful place for our friendship. I feel like I learned more about him in one month than I did in the six months prior. I started cutting off my “hoes”. I thought we were moving in a more exclusive direction until he told me that he met a girl who changed his life completely.

This is going to sound fucked up, but I knew he wouldn’t find anyone better than me unless it was God himself who did it. Apparently God did. Excuse my pride, but I’m pretty, goal-oriented, gainfully-employed, have a great personality, my ass is fat, and my pussy is bomb AF. ONLY God is pulling you away from me. I was hurt, because he could have told me before he was calling me every day. Before he was telling me that I was irresistible. Before he was becoming better than the man I met a year and a half ago.

But if I’m being honest, I was waiting for him to tell me about this girl. For months, I felt him slipping from me. It felt like the more he emotionally slipped from me, the more he physically started showing up for me. If we’re being even more honest, though he was becoming a better man, he still wasn’t half the man that I need. I’m not just a strong, black woman. I’m more powerful than even I can imagine. He never fit into the life I saw for myself. As a friend? Yes. But not as a partner. His emotional wounds are what pushed him to his calling, but his calling and my calling do not align. Still I stuck around. When he finally told me about her, I was angry because I felt like he was telling me that she was better than me, a more malleable version of myself. Like if I gave in to him when we first met, we would have never ended up here. I’m not that girl.

I was once told that I was too much for him. I know that now, but it doesn’t stop the tears from forming. I truly believe he was sent to me, maybe even a soulmate. I feel him. I feel his hurt, his happiness, his confusion, his love. I feel like I’ve attached myself to someone who can not care for me in the way I care for him.

He, we are so easy. He’s one of my favorite people. He’s one of my best friends. He’s the best friend I lost and let sex complicate things for us. I do not, not want him in my life. I’d also be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt to see him happy with someone else. It means coming to terms with the decision I made to continue to deal with him after I made a resolve not to deal with him romantically. It means knowing that I don’t occupy his mind anymore. That means I won’t get a text message at 3 am saying “I was thinking about you” and knowing that I was dreaming about him at the same time. It means not kissing him. It means the unresolved sexual tension between us will go unresolved. It means limiting what I say or know to be true, so that he doesn’t think I’m jealous. It means pushing him away and not being able to share his accomplishments with him.

It means knowing that while I am MORE than enough and my next man will be better than I can even imagine, I was not enough for him. If I’m being REALLY honest, he was not enough for me either.

So that’s my truth. I loved and lost and found a friend in the process. It feels very simple, but it’s also super complicated.