When I was last here, I shared all the things I learned during year 23 and all the wonderful things I’ll take with me to year 24 and beyond. I think I expected the few months after that to be great and full of new people and ventures.
I hate to break it to you (or even myself), but the last few months have been exhausting and I don’t know when it will let up.
Where do we start? My job. Friendships. Love life. My parents’ separation. My failing weight-loss journey. Maturing into a beautiful person and feeling like I’m stuck (this is the big one).
I don’t hate my job, but I am thoroughly over it. The work, the people, all of it. I recently had my annual review and everything I was suspicious of about my job was confirmed. I felt like I was not getting substantial work, for reasons beyond my understanding. I didn’t think some of the supervisors on my team liked me. Lastly, I felt like people at my firm were lying about me and presenting a negative image about me. When I shared this with my work friends, they understood, but I had a feeling that they thought I was paranoid. After my review, I learned that everything I described above was taking place on my job. My boss gave an example to confirm everything I described. After my review, all of my concerns about leaving my current job subsided EXCEPT the one about figuring out what I am going to do next.
All of my old friendships are perfectly in tact, it’s the new ones. I have a small friend group at work. As my friendship grows with one person, in particular, my dislike for her grows even more. The more she shares or exposes about herself, the more I learn things I do not like about her. If we did not sit right next to each other at work, I would not really talk to her. Coming to work everyday, seeing her, and talking about things I do not care about, is draining AF.
My love life isn’t so much a joke, as it is non-existent. I’ve discussed my most recent ex here and at first we discussed remaining friends. Wellllll, a lot has taken place since then. The last time I asked him why we aren’t friends (because Lord knows I needed the companionship I had in him). He responded “Your energy is not conducive to the relationship God has sent me”. That’s right folks, let’s all collectively deeply roll our eyes to that bs. What the actual fuck? See, I don’t want him, too much damage. I miss the friend I had in him. With everything going on in my life, I kind of want his perspective on things. Guess not! I guess he doesn’t want to jeopardize his relationship with his barely legal girlfriend that’s doomed to fail. I’m not even trying to get mixed up in that. Maybe it’s good I’m not present in his life. Because when his relationship fails, I don’t want that shit connected to me at all. However his level of disrespect towards me, someone who constantly showed up for him, hurts more than I will ever be honest about. Especially since I will always love him, even though he is undeserving. I just hope he sends my money soon. I don’t need that nigga popping up in my life in six months.
Finally, my mother has separated from my father. They’ve been married for 27 years and I do not know a time when they were happy with each other. I don’t know a functional happy marriage. I only know what living in chaos looks like, so I’m glad this is happening. However, I feel like my parents put a lot of emotional pressure on me which is not only unfair, but exhausting. It’s beginning to feel like everything is spilling out and everyone is looking to me to fix the leak.
The stress from everything and everyone around me is triggering unhealthy eating habits and ways of thinking. Losing weight has been nearly impossible. I feel like every time I get back up, there’s something else waiting to knock me back down. It shows in how much I eat or don’t eat. I just really want to see some changes in my physical appearance and I’m starting to feel like nothing is going to change it.
The good thing taking place in the midst of all of this is that I feel like I’m growing and maturing internally. So much so, that I feel like I’m growing out of everything and everyone that does not support this growth. When I say “support this growth”, I mean their energies and ways of thinking cannot handle me. I literally feel that there are people around me who can no longer handle me. This is frustrating because I feel stuck. It’s a beautiful and stressful thing all at the same time.
If you’ve read this far, thank you for walking through self-help minefield with me lol. This blog is one of the few sanctuaries I have.