What If I Told You I Saw This Coming?

So it’s Saturday and, yes, Donald Trump is the President Elect of these United States of America. No, this isn’t an episode of The Apprentice. It really happened. Crooked Hillary Clinton lost to Idiot Donald Trump.

Now that, that’s out of the way.

Tuesday night, I turned off all notifications regarding the election and went to bed. Around 4 am, I jolted out of my sleep, probably from the energy shift. Around 5:30 am, I woke up, checked Twitter, and saw that Trump had indeed been elected. Scrolling through my timeline in disbelief,I was shocked that hate, corruption, sexism, racism, misogyny, etc. had actually won. I was also genuinely afraid for what might transpire on my commute to work (I work near Wall Street). Trump, himself, is not the problem. American presidents are mere puppets and status symbols of free democracy. The hate of Trump’s supporters is what worried me. This win meant they won as well; it justified their prejudices and -isms.So I decided not to go to work on Wednesday. I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of verbal harassment at the mouths of Trump’s supporters and I needed some time to process and mentally prepare what the next four years may look like. Spending the day binge-watching my favorite shows and positive movies, I stayed off of social media (with the occasional Twitter check-in), meditated, and created my own world at home. On Thursday, I was mentally prepared for work and to look at all of the white people who could not fathom how such a problematic man is our next President when white people were the ones who put him there anyway. Sure Trump won because of the outdated electoral college, but slightly less than half of the people who voted, voted for the man.

When Trump first announced his candidacy for President, people laughed and mocked him. The media gave him every bit of the attention he desired. Every time Trump said or did something outlandish, the media was there to cover it. Even with all 30 people on the Republican ticket, we talked about him the most, like we do celebrities (Kardashians, anyone?) The majority of Trump’s supporters are small-minded. I’m referring to all classes here, the rich to the working class. They love reality TV, whine when they are called out for their wrongs, and appropriate other cultures, like it’s their job. With too many people on the Republican ticket and Trump’s hyper-visibility in the media, voters were forced to support the loudest and most visible candidate. It would be remiss not to point out Trump said everything these disenfranchised (read: racist) white people have been wanting to say for the past eight years. That type of hate and inability to see past your selfish desires is what this country is built on. Trump and his supporters appeared to be almost emboldened by every public figure who attempted to shame him. As for Hillary, I’m very anti-establishment, so I wasn’t fucking with her from the jump. Hillary is a career politician who has benefited well. She and her husband are responsible for the crime bill that created so many private prisons which lends itself to the mass incarceration we have today. Her pander to black people was cringe-worthy and embarrassing from Mary to Beysus. I’m glad it’s over.

I blindly trusted that the world isn’t as fucked as it appears, but clearly I was wrong. I’d hate to be one of these “let’s give him a chance” people, but I’m 80% sure Trump will get bored and we’ll have to deal with Pence (deep eyeroll). The real question is “If Hillary had won would my life be better or worse as it is, or will be, with Trump?” I honestly don’t think so. Just pray for us as we get through next four years. If anything, I have been motivated to step up and maybe even get involved in politics myself.

I love my dad, but…….

I was raised in a very Christian home. I don’t remember not being in a church or discussing the Bible in some capacity. In the mornings, my father prays for the family. Unfortunately this practice has become more of a morning drill, since we’re still half sleep from our morning nap. Typically I stay awake for the prayer out of respect and fall back asleep. However one morning I heard my father pray that I lose weight, as if my weight was an inconvenience to his life. The first time I heard him say it, I ignored it and didn’t respond. The second time he added the request in his prayer I realized that this had become a part of his daily list of prayer requests. I did tell him to stop, but the emotional damage had already been done. You can’t pray the fat away. I don’t think it works that way. But you can use your faith to attempt to manipulate the actions of others – this is what my father did. I’m 23 years old. There are multiple things occurring in my life that I could genuinely use some divine help with. Let’s list them:

  • I recently went through an emotionally rough, sort of breakup
  • I could use a new job
  • Niggas try me – everyday
  • My twist out refuses to come out perfectly
  • The security guard in my office building reminds me of every gross man I’ve ever encountered

I love my father; I really do. Adding my weight to his daily prayer request really made me question him. This isn’t about me being fat. This is about how my relationship with my father has affected my approach to relationships. They say that a girl’s father is her first love. I can tell you right now I have fallen out of love with my father more times than I will ever admit. From the way he put his students before his children to the way he puts his mother over his wife. I always questioned what were my father’s priorities. I wonder if the one of the main reasons I am adverse to love is because I have seen that men have a poor way of showing it. My father is literally the nicest person you will ever meet, but behind closed doors he is known to be vindictive and dismissing. No, I am not bashing my father, but I am being honest. He is a great provider and father, but when I needed to learn how a man should treat a woman I was not given the best example. If I am ever to meet someone that I would want to marry or even take seriously, I would not introduce him to my father, I would introduce him to my brother first. I honestly do not feel like my father would do the necessary work to determine if the man is “good enough” for me. My father would spend more time trying to prove that he is a good, instead of if this guy is good for me.

As I am dating, I am very cautious of men who share the same character traits with my father. I love my father, but I would not want to date men who are like my father. Witnessing a loveless marriage really caused me to be apprehensive to idea of being vulnerable with someone. It has caused me to be guarded when I approach relationships. I love my dad, but I would hate to be with someone for 20 years of my life and be unhappy. I used to take sides when my parents argued, but I’ve learned that my parent’s relationship is not my business. However I would be a fool to say that seeing them attack each other did not cause me to question the notion of marriage itself. How can you say you love someone when their tears don’t phase you?

Moving forward, I’m working on how I approach relationships and dating. I would love to meet someone who makes me ridiculously happy and gives a shit about me, but I also want to make sure that I am ready for that person as well. I would hate to miss out on a great person, because I have not healed or reconciled my own issues.

They Said This Would Be Fun………They Lied

So I am in the last stretch of my senior year of college and I am always sad. Even when I’m happy, it’s temporary. I am always in a state of melancholy, like the wrong phrasing of words could make me cry at any moment. I read somewhere that college causes stress-induced anxiety. It’s like something is always wrong. Nothing is ever settled. I never get a chance to breathe without worrying about something. I have worked extremely hard these past few years. I studied abroad at a world-renowned university. I did everything right and yet I have faced obstacle after obstacle. I. did. everything. right. Do you know what that means? I was the “good girl”. I went to school, did my homework, stayed out of trouble, didn’t get pregnant, went to a top school, studied abroad, had an internship while I was abroad, but it doesn’t feel like enough. I do not feel like I am enough. I don’t have a job. A job offer. A job interview. A job prospect. I have nothing. Was my $100,000 student loan debt worth it? I don’t know. I’m in this gray place right now. There is clear happiness in my life and I have a lot to be grateful for. However I am emotionally fragile, like I just want to be wrapped in my mother’s arm right now.

Do You Want to Be My Distraction?

I’ve been trying to write this post for weeks, but some recent experiences have allowed it to come full circle.

It feels like I’m entering a new phase in my life, apparently that’s what happens when you grow up. With that being said, this new phase has sort of hit me out of nowhere. Growing up, I was the good girl. I did my homework, went to church, and did what my parents told me to. Don’t be confused though. I definitely got in trouble often  for doing stupid shit, but that part of me was kept at home or in small circles. I presented this image to everyone around me that I was a “good girl”. This image was fine until I realized that I’m not this “good girl”. I wasn’t presenting an honest image about myself to myself or most of the people around me. Unfortunately I didn’t have this epiphany until my second year of college. That was my first phase. Coming into my own was not difficult, being comfortable with myself enough to be with someone else was not. That took me a little over a year. As you can see from “Hoe Phase” I was able to overcome that. However not in a way that was best for me.

I have had a lot of fun these past few months being with different guys. I learned so much about myself, what I want, what I can do, what I’m, comfortable with, etc. That was the point of my hoe phase: to learn. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not ending my “Hoe Phase”; I’m adjusting it. I feel it’s time for something more. So I’ve had a few “lovers” , but I don’t want to just sleep around anymore. I prefer to consistently have sex with one person, a friend, who I actually want to be around. It’s basically a “friends with benefits” situation. From The List, you can see that I didn’t enjoy being around some of those guys unless it was for sex.

So I adopted a new approach. I have decided to get to know a guy before I have sex with him. DUH! Before I was just trying to have sex all the time like a cat in heat. Now I want to make your toes curl, but I also want to know your favorite rapper. Relationships are cool, but I’m just not looking for one right now. My life is a clusterfuck full of responsibilities, so I can’t really be involved in emotional relationships. I can barely control my own emotions. Maybe I’m going about this all wrong, but I know that I want someone to serve as a “distraction” from my crazy life. We shall see.

I Get Lonely Too

Do you know what sucks? Do you know what really sucks? Taking care of everyone and listening to everyone else’s problems, but feeling alone and stuck when you need someone. I’ve been feeling very alone since I’ve returned from London. Before I returned, I was excited to see my friends, old flings, my family, etc. I was excited to share my time abroad, make new memories, and just laugh with the people I cared about the most. But lately everything just feels off. I feel off. I feel like I don’t belong. Places where I used to fit. I don’t anymore.

Anytime I try to talk to people about how I feel, it just feels like no one really cares to listen. Everyone wants to give me solutions, but no one wants to let me vent. Usually I don’t share my feelings or complain too much about how I feel. So maybe it’s my fault that I don’t have anyone to talk. Maybe I am the one who has changed. I even tried the age-old trick of going back to ex’s. I went back to Ricardo, or at least I tried. When I was abroad, we would chat every now and then. I thought things were good. I thought I could come back and we could just enjoy each other. However every time I spoke to him, I felt like a burden. It didn’t feel fun. Speaking to Ricardo felt like speaking to someone who did not want to speak to you. It sucks. I feel like no one cares. The only time I feel something/a feeling is after sitting alone for a few hours or having sex with the only person who makes me feel wanted. My time with that person is limited.

What I am saying is that I am scared and vulnerable. I am desperately trying to maintain my pride, but this is when I do something stupid. This is when I sleep with someone who doesn’t care about me. Even more I’m scared that I gave the wrong people my time, not just sexually, but just in general. I’m just trying to find my “happy place” again without needing people, but this time I don’t think I can find it on my own again.

yes, a Drake reference is always necessary