So Things Are Happening…….

When I was last here, I shared all the things I learned during year 23 and all the wonderful things I’ll take with me to year 24 and beyond. I think I expected the few months after that to be great and full of new people and ventures.

I hate to break it to you (or even myself), but the last few months have been exhausting and I don’t know when it will let up.

Where do we start? My job. Friendships. Love life. My parents’ separation. My failing weight-loss journey. Maturing into a beautiful person and feeling like I’m stuck (this is the big one).

Let’s begin.

I don’t hate my job, but I am thoroughly over it. The work, the people, all of it. I recently had my annual review and everything I was suspicious of about my job was confirmed. I felt like I was not getting substantial work, for reasons beyond my understanding. I didn’t think some of the supervisors on my team liked me. Lastly, I felt like people at my firm were lying about me and presenting a negative image about me. When I shared this with my work friends, they understood, but I had a feeling that they thought I was paranoid. After my review, I learned that everything I described above was taking place on my job. My boss gave an example to confirm everything I described. After my review, all of my concerns about leaving my current job subsided EXCEPT the one about figuring out what I am going to do next.

All of my old friendships are perfectly in tact, it’s the new ones. I have a small friend group at work. As my friendship grows with one person, in particular, my dislike for her grows even more. The more she shares or exposes about herself, the more I learn things I do not like about her. If we did not sit right next to each other at work, I would not really talk to her. Coming to work everyday, seeing her, and talking about things I do not care about, is draining AF.

My love life isn’t so much a joke, as it is non-existent. I’ve discussed my most recent ex here and at first we discussed remaining friends. Wellllll, a lot has taken place since then. The last time I asked him why we aren’t friends (because Lord knows I needed the companionship I had in him). He responded “Your energy is not conducive to the relationship God has sent me”. That’s right folks, let’s all collectively deeply roll our eyes to that bs. What the actual fuck? See, I don’t want him, too much damage. I miss the friend I had in him. With everything going on in my life, I kind of want his perspective on things. Guess not! I guess he doesn’t want to jeopardize his relationship with his barely legal girlfriend that’s doomed to fail. I’m not even trying to get mixed up in that. Maybe it’s good I’m not present in his life. Because when his relationship fails, I don’t want that shit connected to me at all. However his level of disrespect towards me, someone who constantly showed up for him, hurts more than I will ever be honest about. Especially since I will always love him, even though he is undeserving.  I just hope he sends my money soon. I don’t need that nigga popping up in my life in six months.

Finally, my mother has separated from my father. They’ve been married for 27 years and I do not know a time when they were happy with each other. I don’t know a functional happy marriage. I only know what living in chaos looks like, so I’m glad this is happening. However, I feel like my parents put a lot of emotional pressure on me which is not only unfair, but exhausting. It’s beginning to feel like everything is spilling out and everyone is looking to me to fix the leak.

The stress from everything and everyone around me is triggering unhealthy eating habits and ways of thinking. Losing weight has been nearly impossible. I feel like every time I get back up, there’s something else waiting to knock me back down. It shows in how much I eat or don’t eat. I just really want to see some changes in my physical appearance and I’m starting to feel like nothing is going to change it.

The good thing taking place in the midst of all of this is that I feel like I’m growing and maturing internally. So much so, that I feel like I’m growing out of everything and everyone that does not support this growth. When I say “support this growth”, I mean their energies and ways of thinking cannot handle me. I literally feel that there are people around me who can no longer handle me. This is frustrating because I feel stuck. It’s a beautiful and stressful thing all at the same time.

If you’ve read this far, thank you for walking through self-help minefield with me lol. This blog is one of the few sanctuaries I have.

Peace&Love ❤

 

23 Things I Learned This Year

So, I turn 24 very soon. As I look back on year 23, I have lived and learned so much. I feel like I’ve transformed so much in the past year. From my first heartbreak to my first real job to my first solo trip, 23 has been a roller coaster. To commemorate this year, I curated a list of 23 things that I learned this year.

  1. Nobody owes you anything.
    • I had to learn this one the hard way. No one owes you love, time, or even respect. The only person who owes you anything is you.
  2. I am capable of loving someone romantically.
    • I honestly did not know if this was possible. Until I met this guy, I did not know if it was possible for me to love anyone romantically. I found everyone boring and predictable, so I couldn’t even begin to really like someone.
  3. It’s okay to be vulnerable.
    • Emotions, in general, are something I rarely show. This is because I feel everyone’s emotions, almost like an empath. Therefore, I used to shut down emotionally not only because I feel everything, but because being vulnerable opens you up to being hurt. Do you know what’s worse than being vulnerable? Opening up to someone and giving them the tools to hurt you. However, I’ve learned that vulnerability can also lead to amazing, beautiful experiences.
  4. I am enough.
  5. I love me.
  6. I love me more than I thought.
    • No really, almost narcissism, but not. It’s a “very selfish, responsible, able to give and receive, I know what I want and I will work to get it, keep positive people around me” love.
  7. Don’t confuse love with strong like.
    • Which is easier said than done. We want and desire love so much, that we attach ourselves to anything that slightly resembles it. In my experience, I liked someone so much that I genuinely thought I loved him. Maybe I did *shrugs*.
  8. Just because he said he wouldn’t hurt you, it doesn’t mean he won’t.
    • People lie. People give you false promises. Sure, he didn’t intend to hurt you, but he still did it anyway. Intentions don’t mean shit when all you can do is cry because the pain is so deep. Remember that people are flawed and things will get better.
  9. Learn from your mistakes.
  10. This one is similar to #9. Forgive and forget, but always learn.
    • When I was wronged by someone that I trusted, I held onto the pain caused by their actions. Once I forgave them, remembering what they did triggered all the hurt that I “forgave” them for. It was like I was hurt allll over again. However, once I re-assessed the situation, my actions, their actions, I could learn from the experience and grow from it.
  11. You, even you, can fall for bomb dick.
    • It happened. The dick was great. I latched on longer than necessary. There will be more bomb dick, hopefully with a bomb ass person attached to it.
  12. It’s okay not to be okay. *Cue “Who You Are” by Jessie J*
  13. I fell in love, not nearly as quickly as I fell out of it.
  14. Closure is a made-up concept. Stop expecting it.
    • It’s time we let go of this thing called “closure”. The relationship is over, for whatever reason, and you’ll just have to deal with it. I remember wanting closure so bad, that I waited for him to come back to me, just to figure out why he left me. I wait for no one. When I finally got his answer, I was livid! His reason was such bullshit. I could have come up 25 better reasons as to why he left me. I might have to write on this topic another time. For now, closure is dumb. Get back to loving yourself and move on.
  15. Transform your fear into confidence.
    • I learned that energies could never be destroyed, only transformed. Think of it like this, you are miserable and you hate your job, but you need it. So either you go find a new job or you make the best of your time there and find new ways to enjoy it. This is how I have been approaching fear, or at least trying to. Literally taking the very feeling of fear, in my case fear of failure, and using that feeling to motivate me to do the very thing I fear. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I do what I fear? I might fail. I might not. But you never know unless you take that leap.
  16. Traveling every few months keeps me fulfilled.
    • Taking some time away every few months keeps my skin clear and my soul enriched.
  17. Saving is a necessity.
    • What’s worse than being broke? Being broke with bougie ass tastes, but also being broke with bougie ass tastes and a desire to be financially savvy. My little rainy day fund has come in handy not just when I was in a financial bind, but also when I saw something that I really liked that was also a little expensive #treatyoself.
  18. Stay away from sugar.
    • About a year ago, I was diagnosed with prediabetes which meant ending my love affair with sugar. It was hard, but VERY worth it.
  19. Who you are is who you want to be with a little tweaking.
    • Sometimes we want to change or be different people, but we fail to realize that the person we desire to be is already here. We just have to do a little soul work to be him/her.
  20. Happiness is a choice.
  21. Love yourself first, before you accept the love of anyone else.
  22. It’s okay to explore your sexuality. Own your sexuality.
  23. Listen to the voice inside of you. You know yourself better than anyone else.

Finally Writing My Way Out

About a year and a half ago, I met someone who changed my entire perspective on relationships. I would dare say that at some point I fell in love with him. Just when I fell in love with him, he betrayed my trust. When he came back to me (as I expected), he was half the man I fell for. The trauma of the situation he was in changed him. He didn’t trust me anymore and made me feel like I wasn’t enough. See, before that, I was half the person I am now and he made me feel safe, beautiful, sexy…… I’d never felt sexy before him. Sexual? Yes. But sexy was something entirely different. It took some time for me to realize that he was gone, but I didn’t want to let him go. Along the way, sex confused what I really had for him.

About a year and a half ago, I was a barely employed, recent college graduate with the billion dollar loans to prove it. I had just lost my best friend of 6+ years and I was so unhappy. He was funny, interesting, and physically just my type (with the dick to match). I swear those first few times we had sex were almost magical.

About three months into our time together, I knew that I should have cut it off, but I enjoyed having someone who made me want to give a shit about them. I actually planned to end things multiple times and didn’t. He always said or did exactly what I needed him to say or do. That time period where he betrayed my trust and we weren’t talking was one of the most trans-formative periods of my short life. You would think that I would get my closure and leave, but I felt like I needed to prove something. Or maybe it was my ego. I stuck around, because I liked him in my life more than I didn’t. As crazy as this sounds, I didn’t want to see him happy with anyone else. During that rough patch, I learned to love myself in ways I didn’t know possible. I handled some health issues that I had going on, I was losing weight, my skin was clearing up, I got a really good job that was exactly what I needed. When I began to love myself more, everything started to come together for me. I was seeing clearly. My relationship with my friends drastically improved, because they were the people there for me. They let me cry and bitch for hours and then handed me my favorite bottle of wine. Through all of this, I naively yearned for his touch.

We came back to each other as different people trying to have the same relationship. At least I was. I was quickly learning that I would never be the #1 woman in his life. Our time with each other ended and we (I) were trying to stick together. Through this, I was never his “girlfriend”, but I thought I was given VIP access to the parts of himself that he didn’t share with anyone else. I was wrong. I also learned exactly what I want in a man, partner, and a relationship. What we had looked nothing like my desired relationship, except our friendship.

From the time we got back “together” to around Christmas, things were very rocky. I made a lot of realizations about myself. I even asked him multiple times to let me go if he didn’t want anything further with me. He didn’t let me go. He had zero intentions of more. I began building the wall back up between us. January was a wonderful place for our friendship. I feel like I learned more about him in one month than I did in the six months prior. I started cutting off my “hoes”. I thought we were moving in a more exclusive direction until he told me that he met a girl who changed his life completely.

This is going to sound fucked up, but I knew he wouldn’t find anyone better than me unless it was God himself who did it. Apparently God did. Excuse my pride, but I’m pretty, goal-oriented, gainfully-employed, have a great personality, my ass is fat, and my pussy is bomb AF. ONLY God is pulling you away from me. I was hurt, because he could have told me before he was calling me every day. Before he was telling me that I was irresistible. Before he was becoming better than the man I met a year and a half ago.

But if I’m being honest, I was waiting for him to tell me about this girl. For months, I felt him slipping from me. It felt like the more he emotionally slipped from me, the more he physically started showing up for me. If we’re being even more honest, though he was becoming a better man, he still wasn’t half the man that I need. I’m not just a strong, black woman. I’m more powerful than even I can imagine. He never fit into the life I saw for myself. As a friend? Yes. But not as a partner. His emotional wounds are what pushed him to his calling, but his calling and my calling do not align. Still I stuck around. When he finally told me about her, I was angry because I felt like he was telling me that she was better than me, a more malleable version of myself. Like if I gave in to him when we first met, we would have never ended up here. I’m not that girl.

I was once told that I was too much for him. I know that now, but it doesn’t stop the tears from forming. I truly believe he was sent to me, maybe even a soulmate. I feel him. I feel his hurt, his happiness, his confusion, his love. I feel like I’ve attached myself to someone who can not care for me in the way I care for him.

He, we are so easy. He’s one of my favorite people. He’s one of my best friends. He’s the best friend I lost and let sex complicate things for us. I do not, not want him in my life. I’d also be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt to see him happy with someone else. It means coming to terms with the decision I made to continue to deal with him after I made a resolve not to deal with him romantically. It means knowing that I don’t occupy his mind anymore. That means I won’t get a text message at 3 am saying “I was thinking about you” and knowing that I was dreaming about him at the same time. It means not kissing him. It means the unresolved sexual tension between us will go unresolved. It means limiting what I say or know to be true, so that he doesn’t think I’m jealous. It means pushing him away and not being able to share his accomplishments with him.

It means knowing that while I am MORE than enough and my next man will be better than I can even imagine, I was not enough for him. If I’m being REALLY honest, he was not enough for me either.

So that’s my truth. I loved and lost and found a friend in the process. It feels very simple, but it’s also super complicated.

Getting Over The Break-Up

So over the past two months, I’ve been healing from a break-up. Honestly it was one of the most emotionally stressful things I’ve ever done. For those who are new, I don’t date and I’ve never been deeply involved with someone, like I had been with this particular person. My feelings have been well-documented here. No, I’m not fully over him and I don’t think I ever will be, but I am certainly moving on with my life. So I decided to share some tips to get over a break-up, well at least the ones that helped me.

 

  1. Cry It Out – The first thing all of my closest friends told me to do was just cry it out. They told me to cry as much as I needed to do. Initially I was apprehensive to crying, especially over some nigga who hurt my feelings. For me, crying meant that he won. He hurt me to the point where the thought of him made me so emotional that I was crying everywhere – the supermarket, church, work, happy hour drinks – for weeks. I remember ugly crying so hard that I just cried myself to sleep. Crying was super therapeutic; it allowed me to get out all of those emotions I was holding in from everyone. Then one day I woke up and I was like “I’m done crying over this guy”. Yeah I was hurt, but I had to move on with my life. I was sad and it was affecting all areas of my life in ways I did not like.
  2. Find An Outlet – My friends and family  were always there for me when I needed them to be, but talking to them didn’t feel enough. I didn’t always feel better after talking to them. To really get those emotions out, I would write letters to the guy that were completely honest. I never sent the letters, but writing things down helped me be honest with my own emotions. I tried really hard to appear “strong and tough” when really I was hurting and vulnerable. I was at a place where if he came back into my life, I would have taken him back because that’s how much I still cared about him. My outlet was writing and it helped, a lot. Another outlet of mine was reading. I may have read like two books in like a month. Sula by Toni Morrison reminded me of who I was.
  3. Be Honest With Yourself – This probably should have been number one. Before this guy, I was a SAVAGE. I would literally eat dudes up, spit them out, and toss them to the side. No, I wasn’t a terrible person, but if sex was all I wanted from you, then sex was what I got. I’m not one to string folks along.So when the interest was lost or I knew he wasn’t the one, I ended things, like an adult. This guy made me super soft. Because I don’t let people into my inner circle, opening up to him and deciding to date him meant that I really cared about him. When shit went left between us, I tried really hard to act like I was okay – but I wasn’t. Emotionally I was distraught, not because I was in love but because I felt betrayed by someone who practically begged me to trust him. This guy is someone who I almost loved. So if anything, I felt like I was being cheated out of happiness over some bullshit. It’s some bullshit, because I don’t even know why he stopped talking to me. When we were still dating, I stopped talking about him to my friends. My friends didn’t really know the extent of our relations, so they didn’t understand why I was so emotional about it. Once I was honest with myself about ALL of my feelings, the healing process started to speed up.
  4. Remember Who You Are – Before him, I was a bad bitch. After him, I’m a badder bitch. Lowkey, I’m popping and every nigga I’ve turned down while I was in mourning knows this. I was turning down dick left and right. Then I was like “my body is ready”. Of course, I’m selective, but I always have a great lot to choose from. I began reconnecting with my friends and going on dates. I started doing things that made me happy. Instead of being sad because this asshole didn’t answer my phone calls, I redirected my attention. For example I didn’t wear much makeup with him because he thought I was beautiful just the way I am – which is true. But playing in makeup is so much fun. Don’t let these young men stop you from buying every highlighter, concealer, and blush imaginable. The point is I learned to find my own happiness. I had to go every motion of this breakup to remind myself that I am enough.

 

Letter to my (kind of) ex

Dear Josh,

It’s been nearly 3 weeks since I imploded on you via text and you disappeared. I’m going to be super transparent with you here and say that it’s been rough emotionally. I didn’t even get a call on my birthday which really sucked because we always talked about birthdays and its importance since you’re heavily into zodiac shit. I keep wondering where I went wrong in all of this. I even used legal reasoning. “Would a reasonable have responded the same way?” The answer is “yes”, every single fucking time. Let’s consider the circumstances. At the point of implosion, we had been dating for roughly six months. A good portion of the time I was ready to walk away, but you always reassured me to stick around. I literally have break-up letters prepared to give to send to you from October, November, and December, well the beginning of December. December was a really good month for us…..until you told me about your ex/self-perceived soulmate. I really felt like it was time for me to step away. We spoke. In fact, we had a really big argument over this and once again you reassured me that the “possibility of the thing” would never go away. If you actually watched “Love Jones” with me, then you would have understood this better. December and January were great. We spent a lot of time together. You really worked on opening me up and learning me.

So your disappearance in February on the basis of “work” deeply worried me. Aside from worry, I was emotionally frazzled. Here I am spending all this time with someone who constantly tells me that we are building something and you disappear. It didn’t help that around the same time I knew that your ex/self-perceived soulmate/ actually ex-side bitch was moving into the vacant room in your apartment. Couple your disappearance with my very real and reasonable concern that I was losing you, I kind got a bit crazy. The question becomes “Did I ever have you?” Nonetheless, my crazy was starting to show. All the time and work that I put into us was about to be stripped from me by the old bitch. I hate to call her a bitch, but she’s nameless, faceless, and the one woman who caused me to be insecure about what we had. What really sucked is that when I told you how I felt about the situation, you completely disregarded my feelings. All of my fears about this arrangement were coming true. I knew that whatever we had was going to take a backseat to her. Your disregard of my feelings proved that to be true. I know that you only do what you want. So while your reasoning was that you felt obliged to help her in her time of need, you wanted to do it for your selfish interests. If you cared about me and what we had, like really cared, you would have pointed her in the direction where she could get help. Since that conversation, I barely heard from you.

You claimed to be “busy”. I’m not stupid. Sure you’re busy, but we make time for the things and people we want to. I felt like everything you used to talk to me about, you talked to her about. I was a placeholder for who you really wanted, her. She is your soulmate and I can’t compete with that. I can’t feel comfortable in any relationship if it lacks trust. I tried, I really tried to be the cool chick, but every unanswered text message and ignored phone call tickled my fears. When I overheard you refer to me as one of your bitches and then completely ignored my every attempt to contact you, my crazy said “Hey bitch, you can’t control me forever”. Weeks of neglected emotions started to surface from all the places I hid them. The word themselves didn’t hurt, but the subsequent actions are what hurt me the most. I thought you were someone who gave a shit about me and your actions showed me those six months meant nothing.

However I don’t want those six months back. For six months, I had my first adult relationship-adjacent experience with someone who really showed me what it’s like to be with someone who cares about your well-being. I never felt like I had to pretend with you. I felt free to be myself. If we were actually together, our love would have been amazing. Maybe that’s what scared you, I know it scared the shit out of me. I feel like I gave you just enough without feeling like you robbed me of my goods, but I always thought we were friends first. This isn’t how you treat your friends. Looking back maybe I was compromising my emotions, leaving myself vulnerable to be hurt, because while I knew we would never be in a relationship, I held onto the possibility which lead to constant hoping. With all that being said, I do wish things would have ended amicably between us. It’s really funny. I don’t miss your sex. I didn’t come around because of your sex. I came around because I liked you, Joshua A, the person. I enjoyed talking to you. You won’t call me anymore because you thought of me. Clearly I don’t do well with lack of closure, but I can’t keep crying over you. My tears won’t bring the closure I need. You are a coward and I wish I would have paid more attention to that.

Sincerely,

You know who this is