I love my dad, but…….

I was raised in a very Christian home. I don’t remember not being in a church or discussing the Bible in some capacity. In the mornings, my father prays for the family. Unfortunately this practice has become more of a morning drill, since we’re still half sleep from our morning nap. Typically I stay awake for the prayer out of respect and fall back asleep. However one morning I heard my father pray that I lose weight, as if my weight was an inconvenience to his life. The first time I heard him say it, I ignored it and didn’t respond. The second time he added the request in his prayer I realized that this had become a part of his daily list of prayer requests. I did tell him to stop, but the emotional damage had already been done. You can’t pray the fat away. I don’t think it works that way. But you can use your faith to attempt to manipulate the actions of others – this is what my father did. I’m 23 years old. There are multiple things occurring in my life that I could genuinely use some divine help with. Let’s list them:

  • I recently went through an emotionally rough, sort of breakup
  • I could use a new job
  • Niggas try me – everyday
  • My twist out refuses to come out perfectly
  • The security guard in my office building reminds me of every gross man I’ve ever encountered

I love my father; I really do. Adding my weight to his daily prayer request really made me question him. This isn’t about me being fat. This is about how my relationship with my father has affected my approach to relationships. They say that a girl’s father is her first love. I can tell you right now I have fallen out of love with my father more times than I will ever admit. From the way he put his students before his children to the way he puts his mother over his wife. I always questioned what were my father’s priorities. I wonder if the one of the main reasons I am adverse to love is because I have seen that men have a poor way of showing it. My father is literally the nicest person you will ever meet, but behind closed doors he is known to be vindictive and dismissing. No, I am not bashing my father, but I am being honest. He is a great provider and father, but when I needed to learn how a man should treat a woman I was not given the best example. If I am ever to meet someone that I would want to marry or even take seriously, I would not introduce him to my father, I would introduce him to my brother first. I honestly do not feel like my father would do the necessary work to determine if the man is “good enough” for me. My father would spend more time trying to prove that he is a good, instead of if this guy is good for me.

As I am dating, I am very cautious of men who share the same character traits with my father. I love my father, but I would not want to date men who are like my father. Witnessing a loveless marriage really caused me to be apprehensive to idea of being vulnerable with someone. It has caused me to be guarded when I approach relationships. I love my dad, but I would hate to be with someone for 20 years of my life and be unhappy. I used to take sides when my parents argued, but I’ve learned that my parent’s relationship is not my business. However I would be a fool to say that seeing them attack each other did not cause me to question the notion of marriage itself. How can you say you love someone when their tears don’t phase you?

Moving forward, I’m working on how I approach relationships and dating. I would love to meet someone who makes me ridiculously happy and gives a shit about me, but I also want to make sure that I am ready for that person as well. I would hate to miss out on a great person, because I have not healed or reconciled my own issues.

Getting Over The Break-Up

So over the past two months, I’ve been healing from a break-up. Honestly it was one of the most emotionally stressful things I’ve ever done. For those who are new, I don’t date and I’ve never been deeply involved with someone, like I had been with this particular person. My feelings have been well-documented here. No, I’m not fully over him and I don’t think I ever will be, but I am certainly moving on with my life. So I decided to share some tips to get over a break-up, well at least the ones that helped me.

 

  1. Cry It Out – The first thing all of my closest friends told me to do was just cry it out. They told me to cry as much as I needed to do. Initially I was apprehensive to crying, especially over some nigga who hurt my feelings. For me, crying meant that he won. He hurt me to the point where the thought of him made me so emotional that I was crying everywhere – the supermarket, church, work, happy hour drinks – for weeks. I remember ugly crying so hard that I just cried myself to sleep. Crying was super therapeutic; it allowed me to get out all of those emotions I was holding in from everyone. Then one day I woke up and I was like “I’m done crying over this guy”. Yeah I was hurt, but I had to move on with my life. I was sad and it was affecting all areas of my life in ways I did not like.
  2. Find An Outlet – My friends and family  were always there for me when I needed them to be, but talking to them didn’t feel enough. I didn’t always feel better after talking to them. To really get those emotions out, I would write letters to the guy that were completely honest. I never sent the letters, but writing things down helped me be honest with my own emotions. I tried really hard to appear “strong and tough” when really I was hurting and vulnerable. I was at a place where if he came back into my life, I would have taken him back because that’s how much I still cared about him. My outlet was writing and it helped, a lot. Another outlet of mine was reading. I may have read like two books in like a month. Sula by Toni Morrison reminded me of who I was.
  3. Be Honest With Yourself – This probably should have been number one. Before this guy, I was a SAVAGE. I would literally eat dudes up, spit them out, and toss them to the side. No, I wasn’t a terrible person, but if sex was all I wanted from you, then sex was what I got. I’m not one to string folks along.So when the interest was lost or I knew he wasn’t the one, I ended things, like an adult. This guy made me super soft. Because I don’t let people into my inner circle, opening up to him and deciding to date him meant that I really cared about him. When shit went left between us, I tried really hard to act like I was okay – but I wasn’t. Emotionally I was distraught, not because I was in love but because I felt betrayed by someone who practically begged me to trust him. This guy is someone who I almost loved. So if anything, I felt like I was being cheated out of happiness over some bullshit. It’s some bullshit, because I don’t even know why he stopped talking to me. When we were still dating, I stopped talking about him to my friends. My friends didn’t really know the extent of our relations, so they didn’t understand why I was so emotional about it. Once I was honest with myself about ALL of my feelings, the healing process started to speed up.
  4. Remember Who You Are – Before him, I was a bad bitch. After him, I’m a badder bitch. Lowkey, I’m popping and every nigga I’ve turned down while I was in mourning knows this. I was turning down dick left and right. Then I was like “my body is ready”. Of course, I’m selective, but I always have a great lot to choose from. I began reconnecting with my friends and going on dates. I started doing things that made me happy. Instead of being sad because this asshole didn’t answer my phone calls, I redirected my attention. For example I didn’t wear much makeup with him because he thought I was beautiful just the way I am – which is true. But playing in makeup is so much fun. Don’t let these young men stop you from buying every highlighter, concealer, and blush imaginable. The point is I learned to find my own happiness. I had to go every motion of this breakup to remind myself that I am enough.

 

Letter to my (kind of) ex

Dear Josh,

It’s been nearly 3 weeks since I imploded on you via text and you disappeared. I’m going to be super transparent with you here and say that it’s been rough emotionally. I didn’t even get a call on my birthday which really sucked because we always talked about birthdays and its importance since you’re heavily into zodiac shit. I keep wondering where I went wrong in all of this. I even used legal reasoning. “Would a reasonable have responded the same way?” The answer is “yes”, every single fucking time. Let’s consider the circumstances. At the point of implosion, we had been dating for roughly six months. A good portion of the time I was ready to walk away, but you always reassured me to stick around. I literally have break-up letters prepared to give to send to you from October, November, and December, well the beginning of December. December was a really good month for us…..until you told me about your ex/self-perceived soulmate. I really felt like it was time for me to step away. We spoke. In fact, we had a really big argument over this and once again you reassured me that the “possibility of the thing” would never go away. If you actually watched “Love Jones” with me, then you would have understood this better. December and January were great. We spent a lot of time together. You really worked on opening me up and learning me.

So your disappearance in February on the basis of “work” deeply worried me. Aside from worry, I was emotionally frazzled. Here I am spending all this time with someone who constantly tells me that we are building something and you disappear. It didn’t help that around the same time I knew that your ex/self-perceived soulmate/ actually ex-side bitch was moving into the vacant room in your apartment. Couple your disappearance with my very real and reasonable concern that I was losing you, I kind got a bit crazy. The question becomes “Did I ever have you?” Nonetheless, my crazy was starting to show. All the time and work that I put into us was about to be stripped from me by the old bitch. I hate to call her a bitch, but she’s nameless, faceless, and the one woman who caused me to be insecure about what we had. What really sucked is that when I told you how I felt about the situation, you completely disregarded my feelings. All of my fears about this arrangement were coming true. I knew that whatever we had was going to take a backseat to her. Your disregard of my feelings proved that to be true. I know that you only do what you want. So while your reasoning was that you felt obliged to help her in her time of need, you wanted to do it for your selfish interests. If you cared about me and what we had, like really cared, you would have pointed her in the direction where she could get help. Since that conversation, I barely heard from you.

You claimed to be “busy”. I’m not stupid. Sure you’re busy, but we make time for the things and people we want to. I felt like everything you used to talk to me about, you talked to her about. I was a placeholder for who you really wanted, her. She is your soulmate and I can’t compete with that. I can’t feel comfortable in any relationship if it lacks trust. I tried, I really tried to be the cool chick, but every unanswered text message and ignored phone call tickled my fears. When I overheard you refer to me as one of your bitches and then completely ignored my every attempt to contact you, my crazy said “Hey bitch, you can’t control me forever”. Weeks of neglected emotions started to surface from all the places I hid them. The word themselves didn’t hurt, but the subsequent actions are what hurt me the most. I thought you were someone who gave a shit about me and your actions showed me those six months meant nothing.

However I don’t want those six months back. For six months, I had my first adult relationship-adjacent experience with someone who really showed me what it’s like to be with someone who cares about your well-being. I never felt like I had to pretend with you. I felt free to be myself. If we were actually together, our love would have been amazing. Maybe that’s what scared you, I know it scared the shit out of me. I feel like I gave you just enough without feeling like you robbed me of my goods, but I always thought we were friends first. This isn’t how you treat your friends. Looking back maybe I was compromising my emotions, leaving myself vulnerable to be hurt, because while I knew we would never be in a relationship, I held onto the possibility which lead to constant hoping. With all that being said, I do wish things would have ended amicably between us. It’s really funny. I don’t miss your sex. I didn’t come around because of your sex. I came around because I liked you, Joshua A, the person. I enjoyed talking to you. You won’t call me anymore because you thought of me. Clearly I don’t do well with lack of closure, but I can’t keep crying over you. My tears won’t bring the closure I need. You are a coward and I wish I would have paid more attention to that.

Sincerely,

You know who this is

 

What Is Happening?

Hey there,

If you care, you’re probably where the heck I have been. Well, I think the skeptic (that’s me) is experiencing her first heartbreak. For Valentine’s Day, I wrote about this guy I’ve been dating who truly opened me up to the notion of falling in love/loving someone other than my familial relationships. If you catch me with enough alcohol in my system, I might even confess that I love him. BUT I strongly believe that you have to choose to fall in love with someone. For me especially, I hold my feelings and emotions very dear to me. So if I choose to let you in my life, into the inner sanctum of daily thoughts, then you are pretty damn special. So for a few weeks, I battled with the decision to love someone I’m not even really in a relationship with. While I struggled with the decision, my feelings for him continued to grow. I wrote the Valentine’s Day post about a week before I posted it.

Around the same time, I learned that his ex-girlfriend, more like ex-side bitch, was moving into the vacant room in his apartment. Initially I did not care that a woman was moving into his apartment (I’m way more evolved than that). However this young lady is very different. She is what he believes to be his soulmate. They only broke up because she walked away from him. How do you compete with that? I didn’t even know they were still communicating. No, he has no obligation to tell me who he is communicating with, but I trusted him. I trusted him to, at the very least, let me know they were communicating. That knowledge alone would have helped me make better decisions concerning him. We once had a really big argument and he got really upset with me, because he felt like I was not taking what we were building seriously. He was literally yelling at me on the phone, because he was so mad that I didn’t think he cared about me. Maybe I’m beyond my boundaries here, but if you are truly concerned with how serious I take our budding relationship, then maybe I should have been made aware that you were still communicating with ex. So much so that she feels comfortable enough looking to you during her time of need. It’s called reassurance. When I told him how I felt about the situation, his words and actions communicated that my feelings were invalid. I don’t trust her. I don’t trust him with her. Most importantly, I don’t trust the situation. Since speaking to him about her, I feel like I have been tip-toeing around him.

Question: How would you feel if your significant other’s ex-girlfriend or boyfriend moved into his/her apartment? I honestly would love to hear your thoughts.

I have barely seen or spoken to him in almost three weeks. He hasn’t been returning my calls or text messages. The one time he did answer the phone, the call abruptly lasted 18 seconds with a broken promise of a callback. I feel like my chance at something has been snatched away from me. Let me be perfectly clear: this situation is not the reason for the demise of our relationship. This situation stressed and highlighted the instability of the relationship. Literally as I type, I’m crying. I fell for that boy so hard that the idea of him with anyone else made me jealous. I was jealous of anyone who got to experience him before I did. How could you not fall for someone who asks about your day, genuinely cares to hear about it, and constantly makes you feel beautiful? This guy broke down my walls to truly know me and now I feel open. I thought I meant more to him and I would like to think that I do. At the same time, maybe I’m too much. Maybe loving me is not what he needs in his life. Maybe his ex moving in gave him the perfect opportunity to push me away. I feel like an idiot checking my phone any time I am away from it to see if he called or texted. Whenever he does contact me, I know that I have to end things. I can’t be so deeply involved with someone who does not understand the concept of emotional responsibility. Aside from him ignoring me, I know that in order for me to move forward with him in a good mind, I need more from him and the relationship. This is not enough, no matter how good he kisses me.

cue all of the sad girl music – Jhene Aiko, Beyonce, Stone Cold by Demi Lovato (ON REPEAT!) lol

Honestly, this situation is the saddest thing going on in my life. Everything else is looking up.

UPDATE: Fuck that nigga.